NOTE: This post is not just for girls, though it is addressed to them. It's also not just for single people or just about romantic relationships. This is for anyone who would rather have a deep, meaningful, in-person conversation than be misunderstood over text. Read on!
The endless text conversation—the one you're always thinking about answering when you're talking in-person to your loved ones.
The endless text conversation—in which you go to sleep and wake up in the same back-and-forth with someone you want attention from.
The endless text conversation. It's easier if it never begins, but if you're in one, it's time to get out.
Girls tend to become clingy in relationships with guys, and nowhere is this more visible than in text conversations. Instead of endearing themselves to these men, too many girls are driving them away with needy texts and attention-seeking questions.
To change this, we must rethink our texting. Think of this not as missing out on communication with your favorite people but as holding out for the best forms of communication (in person).
For a larger discussion about the powerful depth of in-person conversation and what you may be missing, read Reclaiming Conversation by Sherry Turkle. It highlights the slow and steady collapse of communication that occurs every time someone breaks up over text, apologizes without looking into a friend's face, or repeatedly interrupts a family conversation by pausing to glance at their phone.
These tricks don't just apply to texting crushes, boyfriends, or significant others. They can, in many instances, apply to friendships, your general health and wellbeing, and the development of a strong, independent spirit that basks in real life instead of fantasy. However, as "talking" (i.e. mostly texting) is the infamous stage before "dating," I will discuss this wider conversation primarily through the lens of romantic relationships.
Here are six ways to avoid the endless text conversation:
1. Communicate early on that you prefer in-person conversations.
Texting is sadly a norm in the 21st century. If you're someone who is consciously choosing in-person conversations, state that out loud (for example, as you are putting your number into someone else's phone). Hopefully, others will respect your decision and use texting to schedule in-person conversations. For everyone's sake, please don't just get someone's social media or Snapchat when you could have their phone number!
2. Let others initiate conversations and ask questions.
Throw the texting rulebook out the window. You don't have to wait for someone to ask for your number. And once you and another person have each other's numbers, they don’t have to be the first of the two of you to ever send you a text. However, initiation by the other person is a good sign that they are interested in continuing to get to know you. This is true of both new friendships and romantic relationships. Follow-up texts from women I respect saying "I genuinely had so much fun with you today" have often led to a new friendship or mentorship.
3. Don’t text more than you talk in person (or for long-distance relationships, don't text more than you call and FaceTime).
As a general rule of thumb, in-person conversations should be happening (and should be longer) than any interactions over text for deeper relationships. And if you’re scared to talk to someone in person, texting will be a crutch until you get up the guts. Don't use a crutch when you can clearly walk.
One exception to this would be long-distance friendships and relationships, where the long-form conversations may primarily take place over phone calls and FaceTimes, which are closer to (though still not the same as) the real thing.
4. Put your phone away for a day.
You might just realize how attached you are to a texting string or group chat. Let it go.
Maybe you will tell all your many social media "friends" that you're taking a day or a weekend off from your phone for fear they'll be offended. But you can always step away for 24 hours without announcing it all over your social media. That's certainly my preferred way since I no longer have social media. Along with this...
5. It’s okay to not respond.
It’s not rude. It’s letting the conversation draw to a natural close. While texting people we want attention from, it's all too easy to ask one more question or say one more thing just to elicit a response. However, your text conversations will have more substance if you let them draw to a close at the end of a topic instead of prolonging them beyond their expiration date.
Alternatively, you can also delay a response. Most texts do not require an immediate answer. This is not intended to keep the other person hanging but to have a conversation-enriching answer to give. Sometimes those take time, a phone call, or a deep, meaningful, in-person conversation.
6. Don’t lead anyone on.
Don’t give your number to guys you don’t want to text you; this is often how endless text conversations begin. Because texting can quickly become flirtatious, clear the air with anyone you are texting pronto. Just as it’s a girl’s job (according to good manners books I read in 2007) to initiate shaking hands, it’s your job to be clear if you do not like a guy as more than friends when he is seeking more. I'll say it again: don’t lead him on. If he's getting the wrong idea, state your perspective on the friendship (preferably in person) and don't get caught in an endless text conversation.
In the comments, share one thing you've found to be helpful when texting family, friends, or more-than-friends. How do you prioritize in-person, meaningful conversations with loved ones? Have you ever been caught up in an endless text conversation?
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